June 2018

By Ian Goldsmith, Psychologist  One of the things that is often apparent in my contact with couples are differences in beliefs held by men and women. Beliefs are statements which are so well learned and ingrained that they are rarely thought of consciously. Because of this, they often go unchallenged and have a powerful influence on our actions. Good therapy can help identify them, make them conscious and therefore open to scrutiny. Once this happens we can choose to keep them or modify them. One belief which has a powerful effect on men and the way they act in their family’s and relationships is their perspective about ‘work’. Men’s belief in this area seems to differ from women’s and can be a source of conflict. “He spends too much time at work” is one criticism heard by men from their partners. I have observed many men to be confused, hurt and flustered by this comment as it often is made in the context of complaints that the man is neglecting his family. Yet, for many men, the underlying, well ingrained and strongly held belief is “I work for the family”. Consequently and logically, this implicitly means for many men, “the more I work the better off my family is”. How then a man reasons, can he be neglecting his family by working? So powerful is this belief that men’s identity or sense of themselves is defined heavily by their work. What do men need to know when meeting another man for the first time – not how they get on with their children, spouse or parents etc. but what work they do. Try asking a man to talk to another man without knowing what work he does and they are not sure who they are talking to. No wonder men are hurt, defensive and angry when such criticisms are made of their commitment to work. Of course, when we think of what makes a family function well, involvement by men as active fathers and considerate husbands is essential. This requires time away from work and is often what their partners are seeking. However, what often dismays me in this age of so called ‘politically correct’ thinking is that men’s commitment to work is often and readily dismissed or construed as a weakness or an indulgence. Too often it seems it is not appreciated as a reflection of a well ingrained cultural belief, which at least at the level of intention, is solidly family focused. Resorting to criticism or scarcasm is hardly mature behaviour. At least we are now beginning to debate and explore publicly the idea of getting a “balance” between work and family. Hopefully this will help men recognise the way in which the “I work for the family” belief can limit the other valuable contributions they can make to family life. Helping men appreciate the power of this underlying belief in their lives can give them choices, but we also need to help women respect the underlying intention which is implicit in such a belief.