Blog Layout
We Can’t Communicate
admin • Jan 18, 2019

By Ian Goldsmith, Psychologist


A popular explanation couples often give me for difficulties in their relationship is that they “can’t communicate”. Though there is often some “truth” in this statement in the sense that the couple find communication difficult, it it’s literal sense it runs counter to the idea held by therapists that “it’s impossible not to communicate”.


Indeed, on some exploration, the couple generally reveal that they do communicate very powerfully, though their communication tends to be centred on things they don’t like, complaints, anger ,frustration and disappointment. Hence the couple can communicate but not necessarily about the things which help their relationship to be loving and constructive.


Often the value of helping a couple to recognize that their description of their problem, that is that they “can’t communicate”, is not quite accurate, is that it opens up the possibilities of them looking at their relationship from a less self defeating perspective.


Not infrequently I ask couples to prepare, as homework for our next session, a list of those things they like or appreciate about their partner or to nominate those things that they would like to “keep the same” rather than change. Again, this orientation can provide a different focus or perspective than the one which had been dominated by what is wrong with their partner and what things have to change.


While this approach is not meant to ignore those things that happen in a couples relationship which irk them, it can have the effect of helping them focus on what they have to build on to as opposed to simply what they need to change.


I often use an analogy of a house which has been partly burnt in a fire. If we simply look at all the black bits it is possible to get very despondent and come to the belief that all is lost, whereas if we look at the parts of the house which are still standing then we can begin to formulate plans on how to add on the the existing structure and repair it.


Many couples find it surprising when they complete such an exercise and then, in a subsequent session tell each other those things they like or appreciate or want to keep the same in their relationship. Often they begin to realize how much they have got out of the habit of communicating these important sentiments to each other.


As couples do this simple exercise, often the partner giving the compliments notices the way, at least at this instant, that they bring a smile to the face of their partner and contribute to making them happy. Since, in my experience the vast majority of partners attempt to make their spouse happy , having some direct experience of this can remind them of the habit they have lost. This can be a good start for many couples.

Related Posts

Sleep In Times of Stress

By admin • 22 Sep, 2020
Sleep is one of our most powerful healing mechanisms for both our mind and body. When we are facing high stress, we require sound sleep to assist our body and brain to “clear out” the neurochemicals associated with stress, heal the harmful effects of prolonged stress, and to recharge for the next day. Ironically, when we are under significant stress, sleep can be elusive. It can be very difficult to get to sleep before the early hours of the morning, and also to stay asleep throughout the night. As we become sleep deprived, we can experience a decreased ability to cope with stress, remain calm and use our logical and clear-thinking skills in daily situations. In addition to this, we can then begin to feel anxiety about not sleeping; which in itself can disrupt our sleep. Under these stressful times, we may experience disrupted sleep; the most important thing to remember is that there are some steps you can take to help. Most importantly, do not worry about not getting to sleep. Anxiety and frustration are major elements in keeping you awake. If you are not able to fall asleep, trust that solid rest in a relaxed state is the next best thing. As you are lying in bed, take deep breaths, letting your muscles fall heavy and relaxed with each exhale. Plan what you will focus on as you are trying to get to sleep. Enjoyable memories, your favourite movie, future holiday or your favourite place in nature can all assist in accessing a relaxed state for your muscles and your mind. Consider Sleep Stories. Sleep stories are a combination of a relaxing visualisation, plus a narrated story and a progressive muscle relaxation. Sleep stories of all subject matters can be accessed through YouTube, sleep apps such as Sleepio, Calm, or Moshi (for children). Just remember to use a speaker or Bluetooth headphones to reduce your exposure to your device in your bedroom. If you are restless in your bed, consider a quiet activity which can calm your mind, such as Wordfinders, Sudoku, reading (nothing too engrossing), until you feel sleepy enough to turn out your lamp. Remember to avoid electronic devices, bright lights and anything too engrossing. Consider progressive muscle relaxation as you settle into bed. This can assist in relaxing your muscles, which tense up the more active your brain becomes. If you are feeling tense before bed, or have a lot of things on your mind, consider writing them all down before getting into bed. Some people find it helpful to keep paper and pen beside the bed to allow them to add to it as they find themselves thinking when they wake up at night. Consider sleep aids such as chamomile tea (or specific sleep teas), lavender oil, stove-warmed milk, magnesium (including magnesium cream directly applied to the muscles). It is vital to keep your usual good sleep hygiene practices in place during these times. These include exercising during the sunlight hours for at least 30 minutes, keeping a sleep / wake schedule, and turn off devices and bright lights an hour before bedtime.

Keeping Your Head When All Others Are Losing Theirs

By admin • 20 Sep, 2020
As the media keeps reminding us, we are in unprecedented times. Unsailed waters. Unmapped terrain. So, everyone is making it up as we go along, and having to adapt to a new twist, and a new limitation to our freedoms on a daily basis. As we adjust to life staying in our homes, and limiting our contact with the outside world where possible; our attention to our daily life, routines and mental health is more important than ever before. This can trigger different emotions in the best of us, such as fear, loneliness, anger and listlessness. There are limited ways we can control what is happening on our planet right now (aside from staying home and personal hygiene), however the one thing we can control is how we manage our days, ourselves, and our emotions in this new territory. Routine and purpose are two important anchors for psychological wellbeing; we are creatures of habit. Routine is an integral part of our wellbeing, and sense of control and predictability in the world. And at a time when all else feels out of control, your routine can help you feel more stabilised.  Some quick tips on establishing your wellbeing: Get out of bed each day at the same time (similar to what time you would get up for school or work). Structure is essential. Allocated time for exercise each day – exercise burns adrenaline and releases endorphins, which allows us to feel more optimistic and positive. Physical health is also important in fighting COVID-19. Try to combine your cardio with strength training at your level. Eat regular meals, with good nutrition. With so much time on your hands, it is easy to think “regular” means “65 of them”. Regular means same times each day, whether you eat 3 times a day, 5 times a day or are fasting intermittently. Remember to consider your colours in your foods – your brain needs a wide range of colours for optimal health (no, skittles are not colours). When we feel high levels of stress, we are more prone to eat foods that are high in sugar and high in simple carbs. Remember to drink water regularly. Spend time with your loved ones where possible. If you are living with your loved ones, these unprecedented times are handing you the one thing you probably didn’t have before – time with your family. Crack open that Monopoly box, or 10 000-piece jigsaw puzzle. Hectic life is coming back before you know it. New apps such as Houseparty, and the internet video calls are also essential at this time – set times to call your family, and friends. Consider a virtual game or competition, such as Driveway Chalk competitions for your friends and neighbours; where all parties decorate their driveway with chalk and compare with video and photos. Start a new hobby, or take up an old one you never had time for. You have time now. Many hobbies can be done in your yard or house, such as crafting, photography, woodwork, or gardening. Plan a project or 2 around the house or yard. Again, you will likely have time now. A sense of being productive is beneficial; even vital. Limit your news and social media watching. As things are changing rapidly, it is important you stay up to date in the changes and advice. However, spending hours watching the news, Facebook or other social media and reading hundreds of people’s Armageddon predictions will only leave you feeling more distressed, and more out of control. Choose your reliable and trustworthy news source, and tap into it once a day. Write down 3 good things that this situation has brought into your life. Perhaps they are a focus on the important things in life, to slow down, family time, time in nature? Consider singing. Singing on your own to your favourite tunes, or even better – with others over Zoom, or with family, or even with your neighbours as we have seen in Italy and Spain. If you are less confident in your vocal ability, consider creating a Spotify or Amazon playlist of meaningful and uplifting songs with your family or friends for you all to play in your own homes. Think positive. This is going to pass. And you will look back and consider how you handled this page in history. How do you hope you look back at this?

It Is Not My Fault!

By admin • 09 Sep, 2018
By Ian Goldsmith, Psychologist There are lots of ways we can avoid acknowledging responsibility for our actions. How we portray ourselves or our acts with the language we use is a great giveaway. Two prime examples are “I couldn’t help it” and “I had no choice”. How many times do we hear people use these expressions to kid themselves they are helpless about their own behaviour or that they had no alternatives to pursue? We always have choices even though sometimes the choices may be between a number of unpalatable options. Helping people to explore the options they rejected can be an empowering exercise enabling them to recognise the choices they made. Another form of expression which I hear often are comments such as “She/he made me do it”, “She/he provoked me, led me on” or “So and so makes me feel”. These likewise are powerful ways to attribute responsibility to others for the speakers behaviour. They lead to the inevitable conclusion that the only solution was for the other person, say a spouse, to act differently. Again some careful exploration as to other reactions can often explode the myth of this formulation. Other explanations can be an equally powerful ways for people to promote their own helplessness. When a person describes themselves as “easily led”, or having a “quick temper”, as well as imaginary things such as “a short fuse”, the person is asking the listener to believe that they are at the mercy of this trait and that “it” is therefore to blame for their actions. The same can be said of psychological formulations. Hence when a person declares that they have “low self esteem”, or are “co-dependant” etc., the clear implication is that the existence of this ‘condition’ explains their behaviour and therefore they are at ‘its’ mercy. While the process of ‘de-constructing’ these ideas people have of themselves is not always simple, one approach I use is to help the person find ‘exceptions’ in their behaviour. There are often many such occasions when they acted contrary to their favourite idea of themselves. As they notice these exceptions the power of their previous all encompassing view of themselves becomes harder to sustain and this opens up the possibility of them engaging in more satisfying behaviour. While most people would subscribe to the idea that we are “each responsible for our actions”, many times the language we use to reflect on ourselves can kid us into believing our behaviour was “not our fault”. It is!
More Posts
Share by: