July 2018

By Ian Goldsmith, Psychologist I sometimes hear parents wondering why they have to remind their children, over and over, to do some of their everyday things. Many of us express, in that exasperated tone parents develop, “How many times do I have to tell you” to, “tidy your room”, “bring your lunch box out”, “put your clothes in the wash”, “get ready for school on time”, “don’t eat with your fingers”, “go to bed”, etc. etc. etc. The underlying belief which seems to accompany these heartfelt outbursts is that children should learn the complicated business of being responsible for themselves, and to be caring and considerate of others, by being told once or, at least, only occasionally. In reality, however, it occurs to me, that the straight answer to the question “How many times do I have to tell you” is, simply, – MANY. It is for this reason that I consider “nagging” is a much undervalued and maligned parenting skill. We don’t expect children to learn their seven times table in one sitting, they generally need to repeat it over and over again. Yet, the seven times table is a far simpler thing than the complicated business of how to behave responsibly. It therefore seems to me that when, as parents, we allow ourselves to believe that we should only have to tell our children once, or a few times, that this is a nice fantasy, but, it is not life. When we do this we can get ourselves well and truly worked up. However, when we remember that we need to repeat things many times to children, remembering that the more we repeat the rules, or ask our kids to notice and reflect on what they need to do, the better they learn, we are simply doing what is required of us as parents. Dealing with this reality, rather than the above mentioned fantasy, can help us remain calmer throughout the process. I have found it helpful for myself to sometimes tell my children that one of my jobs, as a parent, is to repeat myself many times so that they can’t help but learn what I want them to!! This at least brings a wry smile to their face and reminds me of the reality of one of my parenting tasks. I often think a test of the effectiveness of our “nagging” will come when we hear our own children, repeating the same things to their children!!